Dysfunctional Theatre Reviews: Enrique Fuentes talks Hobbit Fashion and Baby Girl Talk

Oh honeys I want you to know that nothing ever looks good in the mid-section unless accessorized. Look at me for example. Mama’s mid-riff could use less Frapuccino on the handles and more Valentino around the waist. Now do me a favor. Go to Valentino, then click on womens, then accessories and take a look at that Oriental Mask Python Belt. Now you’re talking Middle Earth Fashionistas! Fall down with me now, it’s fall fashion, and I’m tall enough to tell it!

Now get close enough to hear me whisper because mama is only going to tell you once. Hobbiton is a faboo-fashoo place… Yes! Laugh and roar! Why? It’s in the mid-riff of Middle Earth with a flair of Hobbits and wizardy fashion sense… And it’s in Central California, right in the middle of a darling production at the BCT Theatre.

What can be better my little chile peppers than a female Gandalf! No! Yes! Now run to me because it’s true! I wish I could just slap your hands and take you there, but let me tell you… I drove all the way from fashionable Los Angeles, right on the Melrose skip-to-my-loo flashy pants jet set to tell you! This girl’s a rich delight and sneers and the little dwarves that are more like childish orphans of wal-mart vixens than anything delightful. Oh dwarves, I despise them, and they are poorly dressed! But that Gandalf! She tickled me with her slender, I-love-Victoria’s look. Of course if I had my way I would have put her in a ribbed sweatervest turtleneck complete with a modern Stetson ala a dashing red.

Enough of that lovely lady who hates to be called "Mister". I would have showed every dwarf my heels and then some for such disrespect. Of course the handsome Bilbo Baggins was the most creative and wonderfully bright Bilbo you will ever see. This child actor was only annoying when he threw a childish un-Bilbo-like tantrum. Mama was reading to ring the bell and call the school marm for such behavior. Naughty! Now, Bilbo’s journey was dashing. He pranced into a new-found glorious look at that most terribly misfit ring-hungry creature, Gollum. If you didn’t know, honeys, Gollum is much sexier as a two-piece frog-hopping, crawling, snarling, electric blue and female “How-do-you-do” counterpart. The gameshow between Bilbo and the Gollums was witty and the child actor was simply masterful in his rendering of the Gollums into bumbling fools of trollville.

Oh dance with me because there is a dance number! Shout it! Why, because you deserve to! Yes, the production of The Hobbit featured a Goblin-elf dancing stand-off that would have made Peter Jackson dance and snap. Oh yes he would babies, don’t deny it!

If that wasn’t enough, there were fashion-less trolls with slinky babydolls, a deep Smaug-voice for you and you and you to make-believe, and a darling little girl-and-boy team who search the audience for Bilbo… oh honeys, over here! I’ve seen him! And I’ve seen the play, and I want all of you to go watch it right now! Now run to me and let me hold you because you love Hobbits just like mama Ricky does!