Ten Best and Ten Worst Dressed Bakersfield Hoochie Celebs

Worst Dressed

11. Honorable Mention: Baketown. Have you seen her? I refused to dance with her at Narducci’s and now she’s gone cold as a freezer burnt rocket pop. Advice: Don’t cut loose with the laughs or you might attract other harbor seals, but do go silk and glamorous. The sheen will make you look like British royalty and I don’t mean Prince Charlie Boy.

10. Roger Mathey ties with my 5th grade teacher Mr. Klems: Show me braids and an Elton John dazzle to go with your beautiful sword-fighting dreams that do come true.

9. Lead Singer of local band, Vesper: Dresses like he’s still watching Family Ties. Spunk it up a little and at least go Flock of Seagulls

8. Ed Bagels Cream Cheese ex-wife and most lady lawyers: Too much into the polyester pants and red power suits. Your make-up is far too heavy like it’s been applied with my grandmother’s old spatula she used to stir lard into refried beans. You can look good and be powerful, but you have to experiment.

7. Ed Bagels: This powerful man is just too small for his suits. If the stories are all true then he needs to kick on his high heels, put on a faboo Audrey Hepburn wig and some friendly Christian Dior for that taller, lordlier glam look.

6. Downtown Hemingway Bag Man: Would look good in front of a bookshelf. Forget the look. Get on meds and clean yourself up

5. Downtown Dread Locks Bag Lady: Would look good in front of a band at Reggae Fest. Forget the look. Get on meds and clean yourself up.

4. Old CSUB president Tomas Arcineaga: No hope here. Looks like my Hoochie Great Aunt in a toupee. I don’t even recommend feathers. Next?

3. Robin Mangarin: She could be exotic if she weren’t made of plaster and candle wax. Loosen your shoulders and be proud of your heritage! Put on some coconuts~

2. George Martin: A good man with a five o’clock shadow and hairdo that’s in serious need of a fixer upper. Stay away from the color red. Your suits are just too strange.

1. Mayor Harvey Hall: Add some curl, liven it up. Quit looking like your auditioning for a part as a nuclear scientist in the stage production of the ‘Oppenheimer Chronicles.’

Best Dressed

11. Honorable Mention: Jason of Ridikule. I only met him once. He’s got a tummy and big hair. He’s just a teddy bear with braids, though sometimes he paints his fingernails. He wears a bandana too and he’s a happy soul. Goes to show that you don’t have to wear a Tux to make mama’s list.

10. Yataka Fukufuji: Don’t you just love his name? It’s like a naughty Japanese mountain with a cherry on top! He’s adorable. He’s from Japan. He has great hair and bone structure and plays goalie for the Bakersfield Condors. All the girls I know just love him. He’s the only man on this list in a uniform! Put me in your crease, stick boy!

9. The bus stop lady: She’s at the corner of Chester Lane and Oleander everyday and she’s the coolest, best-dressed crossing guard I ever laid my hoochie eyes on. She can hold that sign up for me any day and I will stop!

8. Gerhard Enns: This Dalloways leading man is Elvis Costello meets lead actor from 28 Days Later—he looks that British, but dresses like he’s got a cool New York advertising agency to run.

7. Danielle Belton: Hoochie Honey of the Downtown News. This mama must be adorable. I’ve never met her. But if her outer wear matches her inner attitude then we can both wear boas and snap to the left and to the right!

6. Joey from Seven to the Right. Have you seen this urban cowboy boy toy singer? He’s moving up my personal rankings to “Yummy dresser and darling crooner.”

5. Nico Rhodes: Have you met her? She's darling, she plays keyboards, she’s funny and she dresses like she’s ready for a martini and an episode of Sex and the City.

4. Rikk Chesire: This Robin Hood actor must wear his tights in public at least once if he is to move up on this list. He wears glitter like I wear a Gucci pearl sand silk racer wrap tank. Shout!

3. Columbia: Is she for real? This girl has the cheekbones of a Diva and the outfits to match.

2. Dr. Frank N. Furter: Go watch the Rocky Horror Show. The pics are all too glamorous.

1. Captain Kenny Filthy Pants AKA Kenny Mount, lead singer of The Filthies: My dreamy dreamboat Rural Rock Punkster. Whether he goes punk T-shirt or suit and tie, I’m his hoochie baby. Mama needs a fan right now to cool off! His denim coat is to die for. Love the sweat when he sings. Run to me now!